Pacing the room, twiddling your thumbs and crushing pint glasses to dust with your bare hands as you wait for the new series of Top Gear (which may or may definitely not start on June 21) on BBC Two? Then why not head down to Chelsea Flower Show?
No. Stop laughing. Listen. See, the Chelsea Flower Show is great. Really, it is. It’s got… er, flowers. And herbaceous borders. And probably a number of shrubs, The Mole dares speculate.
And, more important, a Plasticine garden designed by James May. You read correctly. With the help of artists at Aardman Studios – the fellas behind Wallace and Gromit – and a rabble of school children and war veterans, Captain Slow (or should that be Captain Grow? Captain Play-Doh? Insert your suggestions below) has created a completely synthetic garden, the first to ever appear at the prestigious/pretentious/pointless botanical festival.
More than two-and-a-half tonnes of Plasticine were used to build the rubbery oasis, which missed out on an official show award but was – out of sympathy, seemingly – decorated with a Plasticine gold medal by the show judges.
“People have said it is a bit camp and a bit vulgar but I cannot do much about that. It’s modelled out of Plasticine,” James told an eager gaggle of elegantly-hatted journalists at the show. “It has been great fun and we can still go for the people’s vote.”
The Chelsea Flower Show opens to the unwashed public on Wednesday May 20. If you’re really keen to attend – or want to win a Chevrolet Aveo (well, if you’re going to have one, it needs to be free…) – head over to the Gardeners’ World site for more details. They’ve got blogs on it and everything.
What do you mean you’re busy pruning your hardy perennial?